June/July 2004

Volume 44, Number 6

The art of water-cooler diplomacy

by Ron Arner

Don't you just hate it when someone pushes your buttons? Whether it's the unfriendly honk of another car in traffic or verbal harassment from someone in the office, it's very difficult to resist striking back. But what about all the unpleasant feelings you're left with if you don't retaliate? Learning how to deal with anger and relate to personalities you just can't stand will not only increase the professional quality of your work, but it is better for your health as well.

Working for a public school system in a tight economy means lay-offs every May or June before the new fiscal year begins. This year HR arrived unannounced and escorted three unlucky co-workers one-by-one into our manager's office and then out the door. The entire episode was over in less than 30 minutes. Prior to the lay-offs, the stress level in our office was at an all-time high. Some people seemed to be trying to prove how important they were to the department; others seemed to be hiding out, hoping they would be forgotten and therefore overlooked when the cuts were made. And there were those who couldn't handle the stress and vented whenever their emotions got the best of them. Despite my best efforts, I found myself being dragged into the quagmire of office politics, siding with so-and-so over the latest paperclip controversy, and responding to an unkind remark with equal unkindness.

I have outgrown the belief that nobody ever really means to say what he or she does. I've learned to drive for the other person, especially in heavy traffic, and I try to relate to all of my coworkers even though I get along with some of them better than I do with others. Despite my best efforts, I sometimes find myself in argumentative situations, and I don't like sinking to the other person's level when my buttons are pushed. Not only do I feel that this kind of behavior tarnishes my professional reputation, but why should my health suffer, even a little bit, for the stress and unpleasant feelings that accompany hostile situations?

I've been putting off experiencing the latest professional development phenomenon, Who Moved My Cheese, by Spencer Johnson, M.D., but now that I've listened to the audiobook version, I think he really does have something to say. Trying to move with the cheese rather than getting stuck wondering why it doesn't keep reappearing where it was before is a good strategy for becoming more easy-going in workplace relationships. It helps me try to see the other person's point of view, and, if I still disagree, find a solution to the problem rather than getting stuck in a "who's right and who's wrong" dead end.

But what about that person who just won't let you out of his or her tirade? What about someone who insists he or she is right and won't have it any other way? At times like this, it is important to remember that the other person's refusal to bend is more a cry for help than it is a personal assault on you. Rather than becoming defensive and screaming back or whimpering away, inwardly rejoice at the other person's weakness and take pride in the fact that you're the bigger person. This way, that person won't get the best of you, you won't lose your temper, and you'll get the satisfaction of knowing that in the final analysis, you "won" the confrontation.

I'm not suggesting that you offer your psychological services to a screaming boss or become the sounding board for your entire department. I'm simply saying that when you find yourself in that fight-or-flight mode, the best way out of it is to analyze your surroundings and gain a deeper insight into why the person you're having a problem with is acting the way he or she is. Try to keep in mind that you're not the one who has a problem, and, if you want to avoid similar situations in the future, smooth the whole thing over while resisting your urge to seek vengeance. Later on, you can rant and rave all you like. In fact, I advise doing so as a reward for passing your little pop quiz on diplomacy!